Confessions.

I have ennui right now. I should be more excited about moving into a new apartment, and--- well, part of me is, and part of me isn't.

I'm angry at myself for the dissolution of my last romantic relationship. I know it's something over which I had little control. The weird dating advice sites that claim "to know" or "guess what went wrong" all collectively say "you should care less about the relationship while you're in the relationship. Don't have any expectations for the guy. Just make the guy feel good."

I recall that I wasn't the demand-heavy person in my last (failed) relationship. The person with the laundry list of wants was him. I only wanted patience from him, to talk him up/chat, and to see him again while doing something fun together. He wanted me to do all of the changing ( change my personality, change my clothes and wear less jewelry, become a minimalist like he was, sext him more, stop using emoticons, etc., etc.)

Sure, I'm better off without him and just being my organic, true self. But how do I stop caring? It's in me "to care." That's why nursing does sort of mesh with who I am. Why is wanting a response out of someone else equivalent to neediness? There is this trap written all over the internet and in larger society that women are "too needy." I didn't want validation from him, nor reassurance. I only wanted connection and bonding time. So, hoping for a response instead of being completely ignored by a guy is me being too needy.

I shall get nowhere with this. It completely baffles me.