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Post by pumpkinshoes on Mar 26, 2018 19:00:16 GMT
You're so beautiful it physically hurts when I look at you. awwh </3 |
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Post by pumpkinshoes on Mar 26, 2018 19:01:00 GMT
I’m starting to panic a little because there are just five packages of ice cream left in my freezer...   lmao  |
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Post by Dani on Mar 26, 2018 19:19:15 GMT
I’m starting to panic a little because there are just five packages of ice cream left in my freezer... lmao Yeah, my favs are all done. Finito. |
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Post by pumpkinshoes on Mar 26, 2018 19:21:47 GMT
lmao Yeah, my favs are all done. Finito. What are your favs? My ice cream stock would look so different: salty liquorice, lemon with liquorice sauce, ben & jerry's cookie dough, ben & jerry's phish food, chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips, mint with chocolate chips *drools* |
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Post by Dani on Mar 26, 2018 19:42:11 GMT
Yeah, my favs are all done. Finito. What are your favs? My ice cream stock would look so different: salty liquorice, lemon with liquorice sauce, ben & jerry's cookie dough, ben & jerry's phish food, chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips, mint with chocolate chips *drools* I hate mint, I hate liquorice and I hate chocolate ice cream. Lucky you Uhmm, if I'd be able to choose I'd have all flavours of the Italian ice cream in my fridge. But since I can't, I have to live with vanilla and caramel and nuts, which is not that bad either. I love vanilla and nougat and nuts. All kinds of sugary shit and some crunch of some kind with vanilla. And fruity sorbet - all kinds of sorbet. And I love Solero exotic (on the stick) SO MUCH. But they always take those away so I have to fly out of the country to get some. I love Magnum, but just the almond one and sometimes white too. I think HägenDaz is nice, B&J is too much most of it - fairly nuts is good, cheesecake is ok, Magnum bowl press to crack thing was a little too much too but still nice, Cartedor is too creamy. Uhm yeah. Or plain soft ice cream or with loads of sause. YAM. |
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Post by heehawes on Mar 27, 2018 19:51:44 GMT
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Post by Fuckingperfect on Mar 28, 2018 1:32:01 GMT
I ended up taking one week off from treatment, they call it a "thinking week". It was my decision, so I'm okay with that. No more food logging of every god damn crumb I put in my mouth for the next seven days, I am happy.
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Post by Dani on Mar 28, 2018 4:42:09 GMT
Hahahaha Hahahaha ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ |
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Post by Dani on Mar 28, 2018 4:42:42 GMT
I ended up taking one week off from treatment, they call it a "thinking week". It was my decision, so I'm okay with that. No more food logging of every god damn crumb I put in my mouth for the next seven days, I am happy. May I ask why? ❤️ |
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Post by pumpkinshoes on Mar 28, 2018 7:45:37 GMT
What are your favs? My ice cream stock would look so different: salty liquorice, lemon with liquorice sauce, ben & jerry's cookie dough, ben & jerry's phish food, chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips, mint with chocolate chips *drools* I hate mint, I hate liquorice and I hate chocolate ice cream. Lucky you Uhmm, if I'd be able to choose I'd have all flavours of the Italian ice cream in my fridge. But since I can't, I have to live with vanilla and caramel and nuts, which is not that bad either. I love vanilla and nougat and nuts. All kinds of sugary shit and some crunch of some kind with vanilla. And fruity sorbet - all kinds of sorbet. And I love Solero exotic (on the stick) SO MUCH. But they always take those away so I have to fly out of the country to get some. I love Magnum, but just the almond one and sometimes white too. I think HägenDaz is nice, B&J is too much most of it - fairly nuts is good, cheesecake is ok, Magnum bowl press to crack thing was a little too much too but still nice, Cartedor is too creamy. Uhm yeah. Or plain soft ice cream or with loads of sause. YAM. hahah I had a feeling you'd hate my selection. I do love caramel and nuts though <3 sugary shit lmao. I love sorbet but it's best combined with chocolate cake or something for a bit more flavor. But Solero exotic on the stick is actually one of my fav ice creams that you can buy on a stick and sold individually! So creamy yet fresh <3 I think we should still have it available here. Magnum's are great too. Shit, now I just want ice cream. |
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Post by Fuckingperfect on Mar 28, 2018 10:49:31 GMT
I just don't see why their method will help me in any way, I mean I do see the value of registrering thoughts and feelings before, during, and after meals, but I got so fed up with having to write down every god damn thing I put in my mouth, like I HAVE to write down that one Läckerol I ate at 1:03 pm, that one tiny sip of Pepsi at 4:15 pm, that one chewing gum at 6 pm and so on.. They're that strict. Another thing, I am not allowed to eat anything else that is not on my meal plan. Like, I ate a full fucking portion of dinner the other day because I didn't manage to eat what I was supposed to at lunch, so I did it to weigh up. So, because my current plan was only half a portion of dinner, what I did was not okay in their eyes. I mean, wtf?! If I eat a chocolate bar on top of everything else and don't replace the food with sweets or compensate with destructiveness, that is also not okay. I don't understand, isn't that supposed to be a healthy thing?! So I avoid writing down certain things to avoid being confronted. The food log isn't only for me, they gather everything I write, read through it, and trash it. I don't get it, how is that supposed to enable me to look back, and learn from previous mistakes? And, they're also going to evaluate my case after the holidays, meaning they'll discuss whether or not they approve of me having a reduced meal plan, compared to the mandatory full/standard. I saved every paper from the last treatment facility I went to in 2010 - 2012, including all my meal plans, and my weight diagram, to prove to them my body doesn't need a full meal plan to gain, and remain stabile. (Note, they don't count calories, and neither do I) I was diagnosed with PCOS two years ago (polycystic ovaries syndrome, which means I have elevated levels of androgen and male hormones, which affects my hormon balance, but sadly also hair growth, menstrual cycle, skin and many other things, it's a chronic condition) and that is probably the reason why my metabolism is fucked up. It's a common symptom of that syndrome, summed up - I gain very easily, and shedding weight is harder compared to women without the diagnosis. So if they come to the conclusion I can't be there without eating more than I do now, I think that place wasn't right for me. It sort of killed my motivation already, because they even called and talked to my old therapist without my approval. I feel like they don't take me seriously or believe my words, and take it as my "ED talking". So my options left now are either continuing the day program at a part time basis (2 - 3 days a week, instead of 5 days), or discontinue the day program, and continue with weekly sessions outpatient instead. Though, having a "thinking week" isn't the same as not giving a fuck, I will try my best to stick to my current plan, avoid weighing myself at home, taking lax, body checks, over exercising, purging, and all that jazz. I'm supposed to think things through, meaning my motivation and figure out if now is the right time and place to give recovery a 100%. And that is crucial for success. |
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Post by Dani on Mar 28, 2018 11:17:59 GMT
I just don't see why their method will help me in any way, I mean I do see the value of registrering thoughts and feelings before, during, and after meals, but I got so fed up with having to write down every god damn thing I put in my mouth, like I HAVE to write down that one Läckerol I ate at 1:03 pm, that one tiny sip of Pepsi at 4:15 pm, that one chewing gum at 6 pm and so on.. They're that strict. Another thing, I am not allowed to eat anything else that is not on my meal plan. Like, I ate a full fucking portion of dinner the other day because I didn't manage to eat what I was supposed to at lunch, so I did it to weigh up. So, because my current plan was only half a portion of dinner, what I did was not okay in their eyes. I mean, wtf?! If I eat a chocolate bar on top of everything else and don't replace the food with sweets or compensate with destructiveness, that is also not okay. I don't understand, isn't that supposed to be a healthy thing?! So I avoid writing down certain things to avoid being confronted. The food log isn't only for me, they gather everything I write, read through it, and trash it. I don't get it, how is that supposed to enable me to look back, and learn from previous mistakes? And, they're also going to evaluate my case after the holidays, meaning they'll discuss whether or not they approve of me having a reduced meal plan, compared to the mandatory full/standard. I saved every paper from the last treatment facility I went to in 2010 - 2012, including all my meal plans, and my weight diagram, to prove to them my body doesn't need a full meal plan to gain, and remain stabile. (Note, they don't count calories, and neither do I) I was diagnosed with PCOS two years ago (polycystic ovaries syndrome, which means I have elevated levels of androgen and male hormones, which affects my hormon balance, but sadly also hair growth, menstrual cycle, skin and many other things, it's a chronic condition) and that is probably the reason why my metabolism is fucked up. It's a common symptom of that syndrome, summed up - I gain very easily, and shedding weight is harder compared to women without the diagnosis. So if they come to the conclusion I can't be there without eating more than I do now, I think that place wasn't right for me. It sort of killed my motivation already, because they even called and talked to my old therapist without my approval. I feel like they don't take me seriously or believe my words, and take it as my "ED talking". So my options left now are either continuing the day program at a part time basis (2 - 3 days a week, instead of 5 days), or discontinue the day program, and continue with weekly sessions outpatient instead. Though, having a "thinking week" isn't the same as not giving a fuck, I will try my best to stick to my current plan, avoid weighing myself at home, taking lax, body checks and all that jaz. I'm supposed to think things through, meaning my motivation and figure out if now is the right time and place to give recovery a 100%. And that is crucial for success. Okay, I understand. I think you shouldn't do something you don't feel okay with or feel is good for you. Monitoring habits is never easy or fun. I have no idea what your problem is with food or why they would want you to write down everything you eat and the time for it? I can only imagine it being hard though. Have you tried to only note down when you know you've "done wrong", when and what made you do it and how you felt before it and after it? I think that could be a start if you don't want to do this fully. My worries have always been not moving much enough/moving too much. I am a period person and have always been, not just periods but periods of extreme. Periods where I'm very lazy and literally just walking 300 steps per day, eating cheese doodles for lunch and ice cream for dinner and periods when I'm overly hyperactive and workout 60 minutes gym in the mornings and run 10 km every day in the evenings. And in this I need to find balance to feel good and it's hard!!!! I can't have any restrictions with food at all. I get completely obsessed about whatever it is that I can't eat and that'd probably be the only thing that I'd want to eat but I'd "keep it up until deadline" just because I'm stubborn but after that I'd end up eating 10 times more of it 10 times often and constantly for like 10 weeks or so, than what I'd usually do if it was allowed to eat it. I just decided to not be scared of eating too much of this or too little of that, I just listen to my body and eat whatever I want whenever I want, but making sure I move much enough. This is what works best for me. I think you will have to try a lot and do a lot and even hurt a lot, before you know what works best for you to find that balance you need. |
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Post by Dani on Mar 28, 2018 11:32:55 GMT
I hate mint, I hate liquorice and I hate chocolate ice cream. Lucky you Uhmm, if I'd be able to choose I'd have all flavours of the Italian ice cream in my fridge. But since I can't, I have to live with vanilla and caramel and nuts, which is not that bad either. I love vanilla and nougat and nuts. All kinds of sugary shit and some crunch of some kind with vanilla. And fruity sorbet - all kinds of sorbet. And I love Solero exotic (on the stick) SO MUCH. But they always take those away so I have to fly out of the country to get some. I love Magnum, but just the almond one and sometimes white too. I think HägenDaz is nice, B&J is too much most of it - fairly nuts is good, cheesecake is ok, Magnum bowl press to crack thing was a little too much too but still nice, Cartedor is too creamy. Uhm yeah. Or plain soft ice cream or with loads of sause. YAM. hahah I had a feeling you'd hate my selection. I do love caramel and nuts though <3 sugary shit lmao. I love sorbet but it's best combined with chocolate cake or something for a bit more flavor. But Solero exotic on the stick is actually one of my fav ice creams that you can buy on a stick and sold individually! So creamy yet fresh <3 I think we should still have it available here. Magnum's are great too. Shit, now I just want ice cream. Hahahaha go get yourself one. It's sunny. Extra yum yum  |
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Post by Fuckingperfect on Mar 28, 2018 17:30:47 GMT
Okay, I understand. I think you shouldn't do something you don't feel okay with or feel is good for you. Monitoring habits is never easy or fun. I have no idea what your problem is with food or why they would want you to write down everything you eat and the time for it? I can only imagine it being hard though. Have you tried to only note down when you know you've "done wrong", when and what made you do it and how you felt before it and after it? I think that could be a start if you don't want to do this fully. My worries have always been not moving much enough/moving too much. I am a period person and have always been, not just periods but periods of extreme. Periods where I'm very lazy and literally just walking 300 steps per day, eating cheese doodles for lunch and ice cream for dinner and periods when I'm overly hyperactive and workout 60 minutes gym in the mornings and run 10 km every day in the evenings. And in this I need to find balance to feel good and it's hard!!!! I can't have any restrictions with food at all. I get completely obsessed about whatever it is that I can't eat and that'd probably be the only thing that I'd want to eat but I'd "keep it up until deadline" just because I'm stubborn but after that I'd end up eating 10 times more of it 10 times often and constantly for like 10 weeks or so, than what I'd usually do if it was allowed to eat it. I just decided to not be scared of eating too much of this or too little of that, I just listen to my body and eat whatever I want whenever I want, but making sure I move much enough. This is what works best for me. I think you will have to try a lot and do a lot and even hurt a lot, before you know what works best for you to find that balance you need. I agree, besides, I have backproblems as well, and it has progressively gotten worse over the time since I started, and sleep deprivation makes my back pain a living hell. It's part of their treatment model, and food logging makes up basically 50 % of the treatment, the rest is obtaining a stabile intake (no more than 4 hours between meals), and snack in between meals, cognitive behavioural therapy, groups (yoga <3), and movement group lead by a physiotherapist to mention a few. The other facility there were no food logs, the staff took care of that, so we are given more responsibility here. Ugh, I know... and sometimes I feel SO ashamed and embarrassed when I look at everything I've eaten.. especially if I've had a massive round of bingeing and purging... not kidding when I say I can easily eat 5-6000 calories during one round...:/ I have anorexia sub type, with bulimic tendencies.
I agree, becoming aware of my habits suck, I just don't want to know of them, even if I know I should.
I do actually, and I have become more aware of how I respond to my feelings and things happening around me, and I have also gotten better at recognising the different emotions, I used to be very apathetic. I know this relapse was caused by what happened 4 years ago, I guess that's how my brain reacted to the trauma and how I tried to "fix" myself because that's something I knew very well, it sort of became my way of escaping my past, without me noticing it until I was lost in the web. I have a diary I used to write in every single day, and I have recently started writing again in hopes of figuring out more about myself and why I continue to engage in self-destructive behaviour, even if I know it doesn't do me any good. Looking back at old journals was actually a bit saddening, because I was clearly so lost and everything was a huge mess. So I feel as if it's a bit different this time around. I remember back in the days, I had no clue why I acted on emotions, I mean I was confused - I would binge and purge even if nothing had happened. I would go so far and say I was actually addicted to the "high" I got afterwards. I don't feel that anymore. And I'm glad I don't.
I can relate to that, I am pretty much the same. I struggle to find a balance as well, always have. I have periods of time where I eat junk all day without feeling anything, but also periods where I eat somewhat normal feeling guilty, and periods I don't eat at all. Currently working on the latter, to avoid going into restriction again. I have learned that setting restrictions and rules for one self, is a recipe to break down. By not allowing yourself to eat what you want, will only make you feel bad if you do, and also by postponing eating what you want, will for sure make you eat more than planned. That's just how our brains and bodies work I'm afraid.. I know if I restrict, I would always end up eating everything I could get my hands on in the evening, so as you probably already know - keeping your blood sugar levels stabile will help you avoid evening cravings. Seems like you have found your way around this, and that makes me happy to hear. 
I also struggle with the exercise/moving too little/too much part. I used to have big problems limiting myself with exercise, but it hasn't always been all the time, meaning I never kept up with the extreme/lack of movement continuously. I was addicted to going to the gym a while back (think it was 2008/2009), I would go to the gym twice a day, and still go for a 10k evening run. I did that also last year for about 8 months. I would get up at 5 in the morning, go to the gym for hours on end, go home for a shower and eat and sleep, and then go back to the gym in the late afternoon, and I thought I was doing my body a favor. I wasn't. I was breaking down muscle tissue instead of the opposite. I am now learning to gradually increase my movement/exercise, and I'm focusing on doing the things I like - I have volleyball practice once a week, and my goal is to expand that to include one work out session at a time per week, to an amount I feel is right for me - but never more than 4 sessions (max 2 hours each) a week, because I know I might start obsessing again. I have been very lazy lately, because I felt ill at some point I became scared of moving too much, and started obsessing with my resting heart rate, and the fluctuating heart rate that would come out of nowhere. I am terrified of dying, and I certainly wouldn't want to end my life on a friggin treadmill if you know what I mean. So now, my main source of exercise is walking around, playing Pokémon Go (lol), and I easily achieve 15 k steps a day, but I also have days where I have no more than a couple hundred steps.
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Post by Dani on Mar 28, 2018 18:15:36 GMT
Thanks for telling this to me. You can do it Maren There's no reason to feel ashamed of anything. Who is anyone else to judge anyway? And is there anything that's more "right" than something else? Yupp, only the things that are individual. It's about you and what makes you feel good. Now not talking about self destructive things of course - that I'm sure you're more than aware of what it is in your case. I never did that what I know, so I don't understand much. But I have friends who have and they managed through it with working on their self image. I don't know how, but it was like they woke up and realised they deserved the best in life. Haha, you and me are similar then! I'm a shopaholic in periods too. Not extremely but I can just wake up and think I want a new wardrobe. NOW. Or I want to learn to do this, NOW. But I don't think I ever had an unhealthy relationship with food (like eating too little). For me it was more about moving too much and not eating enough - so I "obsessed" over protein intake and making sure I got enough of it even if I wanted to puke from it sometimes because I was so full, haha. And I tried with no "junk" weekdays, only weekends, etc. That's the "ban" that didn't work for me, haha. Now I maybe eat sugary stuff / crisps / snacks once twice a week when I want it, not just because it's weekend. And sometimes it's enough with one or two chocolate bites. I don't want to associate any weekday or feeling with anything food / drinks. Ok, Friday and wine in the bath after work before doing anything in the evening, is more of a tradition than anything else, ha ha. My main issue with all this (which I'm sure you can relate to when you do the destructive things) is that I feel SO GOOD in the "inactive periods" and SO GOOD in the "hyper active" periods. Exercising produces a lot of dopamin which makes anyone super happy. And just being lazy and eating stuff I'm carving is super comforting and nice too BECAUSE I CAN, lol. It's weird and fucks me up to believe it's good for me, when it's obviously just good for half of me, physical vs psychological. Balanced periods would be the best for my body, mind and all that other parts and shizzles of me I believe, lol. Or maybe, we're just made this way and to live this way, because if you look at it - it is balanced, but in a weird extreme way. Haha. |
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